The Daily Excess

Rock Star Sent to Rehab Shock
Sad Addict’s Hardcore Hobnob Habit Takes the Biscuit

The world of celebrity was shaken to its foundations yesterday when it emerged that music legend Dave Press (93) has entered the Betty Mondeo clinic in Palm Springs to undergo treatment for his well-known addiction problem.

Press, real name Count Waterski Biscuit III, from East Grinstead in Sussex, England will undergo several weeks of therapy at the celebrated clinic in a last-ditch effort to shake off his long-term dependency on McVitie’s Chocolate Hobnobs.

HobNob addiction has claimed the careers of many fellow celebrities, such as Gemima Piddledock (the blond chick that got eaten by a poodle in episode 99 of CSI Miami) and Klaus Vomitz who played the unforgettable gay, slightly orange bloke who ran the tanning salon in  East Enders (Christmas edition 1998).

Press was ordered to the rehab by Judge Allmost (“Zero”) Tolerance (88⅓) of the Crown Court in Welwyn Garden City, the venue of his long-awaited “England: Less Radioactive Than You Think,” tour after he (Press) had run amok in Tesco Express on Gasworks Road in February.

His manager, the ashen-faced George Clooney (no relation) told the press at the time, “It was all a big misunderstanding. When Dave tried to score his favourite Hobnobs, he was told by the manager they were on offer at two for the price of one but Dave misinterpreted this as, ‘I can offer you one for the price of two.’ It was a simple misunderstanding that occurs up and down the country millions of times a day but which got a bit out of hand in the heat of the moment. An altercation ensued involving a broom handle, a Pakistani shopkeeper and some tins of spam.”

The now infamous “spam” incident wound Press up in the local court charged with messing about without a licence, which is now illegal under European Directive IRK42. The judge threw out Press’ plea of temporary insanity after hearing expert testimony from a psychiatrist that human beings are “all permanently bonkers and must be sedated” and the “temporary” plea was consequently adjudged to be disingenuous.

Sentencing Press to rehab, the judge declared that, “Only the fact that our gaols are now over-full with the purveyors of herbal remedies and nutritionists has spared you from a custodial sentence. This court takes a dim view of so called hobnoborexia. I hope you grasp with both hands this opportunity to rid yourself of your unhealthy obsession with this most evil of biscuits, which has ruined so many lives.”

Outside the court, Press gave a brief statement to the media as he was bundled into the Betty Mondeo van and whisked away to Palm Springs, an isolated former wallaby farm near Alice Springs in Australia, so-named because it once (1953) had a palm tree standing in it.

“I’m feeling much better now, honest!” he said, “The judge is a prat. You can hardly call twelve packets a day excessive! Do you mind if we stop at Sainsburys on the way?”

This reporter is inclined to agree but that is not the sentiment shared by the court, nor by a psychiatric establishment that has recently made the shocking discovery that the widespread predilection for Hobnobs and other confectionery is a hitherto unnoticed mental illness requiring extensive – and expensive – treatment.

Of the Betty Mondeo program, head psychiatrist, Wantme Hedexamind (12), explained:

“The Hobnob Recovery Program involves a controlled wean-down, using chocolate bourbons and then plain digestives to gradually replace the toxic levels of Hobnob in the addict’s blood stream. This is combined with a therapeutic emptying of the loony’s (we never use the stigmatic label “patient”) bank account. The eventual aim is to get the addict onto safe doses of prawn crackers, which as you know are available for free at out-patient centres (commonly known as “Chinese Takeaways”) up and down the county.

 Millions of sensible people and other dissident factions have roundly criticized the “Prawn Cracker Solution” on the grounds that prawn crackers are themselves highly addictive, which is merely replacing one addiction with another.

A spokeperson for the human rights group, APT (Are Psychiatrists Thick?) said, “Prawn cracker addiction brings with it its own set of tragic consequences, not least because the only way an addict can score prawn crackers is by eating large amounts of Chinese takeout meals.”

Dave Press, famous for being the world’s foremost deaf guitarist/singer, cut his musical teeth on traditional blues in the late ‘40s and early ‘50s, partnering such blues legends as Blind Banana Skin and Yodelling Yukon. In the 60s, he hit the big time with the Trotsky Tsars of Minsk, whose hit “Ubil Moego Gnu Kil’ku” (“Pilchards Killed My Gnu”) won the popular Poĭte ili rasstrel” (“Sing or be Shot”) the Iron Curtain equivalent of the Eurovision Song Contest.

He fled to Western Europe in the mid seventies and it was here, in the decadent West, that he was first introduced to the insidious delights of the relatively mild Jammy Dodgers, which many argue should be legalised, progressing quickly to the hard stuff: Penguin Bars, Wagon Wheels and ultimately, the dreaded Hobnob.

Despite this handicap, Press enjoyed a brief career with the British Space Program in the mid 1980s, was popularly known as the “Singing Astronaut” and became the first man to crash-land on the Isle of Wight by space shuttle

His famous brawl with the Dalai Llama (11,503) in 1992 is widely rumoured to have been biscuit-related.

His press office was at pains to point out yesterday that Press’s biscuit addiction and the fact that his real surname is “Biscuits” are purely coincidental.

Dave Press also has the world’s smallest collection of Portuguese spoons.


Daily Scare

Dave Press Controversy 
Government Speaks Out

The government today issued an official statement regarding the "Dave Press Alien Abduction" controversy.

Reginald Notlyin(12), head of the MPPD (Ministry of Paperclips and Plausible Denial) said: "Her Majesty's Government wishes to make it absolutely clear that there is no truth whatever in the stories circulating on the internet that Dave Press was, has been, or is recently returned from being abducted, probed or otherwise interfered with by aliens."

He went on to add: "To those who point to the video evidence, we can only say that evidence has very little bearing on the case and it has always been the policy of this government to treat it the way we do all exhortations to reason, the anguished cries of the British people and other dissident activities and ignore it comlpetely."

It has been rumoured that in fact Mr. Press' music derives entirely from terrestrial influences, although many find this hard to believe.

Said Mr Notlyin(15), "It is just all too convenient in this day and age to blame aliens who won't actually be here to speak in their own defence until 2015 when they launch their invasion."

Speaking from his hideway on Phoebe, the ninth moon of Saturn, Mr Press said....(continued on page 94)