Sunday, 5 June 2011

Dave Press to Perform for US President

The Daily Excess

Breaking News!!

The entertainment world was not only rocked to its foundations yesterday but also shaken to it core by the news that East Grinstead Rock legend Dave Press (22) has been invited by a U.S. President representative (whose name cannot be released for security reasons) to perform rock and blues classics, plus numbers from his forthcoming album, at no less a venue than the white house.

Presently still in rehab (see Daily Excess, May 24th, "Sussex Addict’s Hardcore Hobnob Habit Takes the Biscuit") undergoing treatment for acute hobnoborexia, an ashen-faced Mr Press (18) was left reeling from the news when the matter was broached by this reporter, mainly because it was the first he had heard of it.

Despite having his jaws wired shut, he was nevertheless able to tell this reporter that "I'm absolutely thrilled and humbled by this invitation, not to mention sceptical. I've never heard of this U.S. President bloke but I'm determined not to let that stop me treating everyone at the white house to a large dollop of me usual musical magic."

Press (36), eldest son of a bitumen blender from Omsk,who first rose to fame as lead guitarist for the Trotsky Tsars of Minsk in the 1980s, is renowned as the world's foremost deaf guitarist and affectionately known the length and breadth of East Grinstead as the "Singing Astronaut."

The white house gig will be the second time the irrepressible Press (59) has visited the United States. The first was in 1995 during his attempt to be the first man to circumnavigate the globe in a hang glider, without getting killed. On that occasion he touched down for a brief visit to Bono in Arkansas and to avail himself of the public rest room on the town's delightful Main Street.

Of  the now eagerly awaited performance, Mr Ulysses S. President of Backwater, Wyoming (76) said, "I am eagerly awaiting this performance."

For those who wish to attend the gig next month, the venue is in the back yard of the white house, the home of Mr President's mother, Cougar (93), which is easy to find as it is the only house in the town that is, er.....white.

The other three are blue.

Thursday, 26 May 2011

Dave Press to Perform for Prince of Wales!

Dave has left rehab (see post below) and taken to the road with the band

Join the Dave Press band as they perform a mixture of funky blues classics, and original material from their new album in the relaxed surroundings of the Prince of Wales.
Dave says: "This is gonna be a wicked gig"

03 June · 20:30 - 23:00
Prince of Wales, 98 Morden Road, Merton, SW19 3BP
Witness greatness as it unfolds
Strictly no space aliens admitted unless you are personal friends - or family - of Dave

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Rock Star Sent to Rehab Shock

The Daily Excess

Sussex Addict’s Hardcore Hobnob Habit Takes the Biscuit

The world of celebrity was shaken to its foundations yesterday when it emerged that music legend Dave Press (93) has entered the Betty Mondeo clinic in Palm Springs to undergo treatment for his well-known addiction problem.

Press, real name Count Waterski Biscuit III, from East Grinstead in Sussex, England will undergo several weeks of therapy at the celebrated clinic in a last-ditch effort to shake off his long-term dependency on McVitie’s Chocolate Hobnobs.

HobNob addiction has claimed the careers of many fellow celebrities, such as Gemima Piddledock (the blond chick that got eaten by a poodle in episode 99 of CSI Miami) and Klaus Vomitz who played the unforgettable gay, slightly orange bloke who ran the tanning salon in  East Enders (Christmas edition 1998).

Press was ordered to the rehab by Judge Allmost (“Zero”) Tolerance (88⅓) of the Crown Court in Welwyn Garden City, the venue of his long-awaited “England: Less Radioactive Than You Think,” tour after he (Press) had run amok in Tesco Express on Gasworks Road in February.

His manager, the ashen-faced George Clooney (no relation) told the press at the time, “It was all a big misunderstanding. When Dave tried to score his favourite Hobnobs, he was told by the manager they were on offer at two for the price of one but Dave misinterpreted this as, ‘I can offer you one for the price of two.’ It was a simple misunderstanding that occurs up and down the country millions of times a day but which got a bit out of hand in the heat of the moment. An altercation ensued involving a broom handle, a Pakistani shopkeeper and some tins of spam.”

The now infamous “spam” incident wound Press up in the local court charged with messing about without a licence, which is now illegal under European Directive IRK42. The judge threw out Press’ plea of temporary insanity after hearing expert testimony from a psychiatrist that human beings are “all permanently bonkers and must be sedated” and the “temporary” plea was consequently adjudged to be disingenuous.

Sentencing Press to rehab, the judge declared that, “Only the fact that our gaols are now over-full with the purveyors of herbal remedies and nutritionists has spared you from a custodial sentence. This court takes a dim view of so called hobnoborexia. I hope you grasp with both hands this opportunity to rid yourself of your unhealthy obsession with this most evil of biscuits, which has ruined so many lives.”

Outside the court, Press gave a brief statement to the media as he was bundled into the Betty Mondeo van and whisked away to Palm Springs, an isolated former wallaby farm near Alice Springs in Australia, so-named because it once (1953) had a palm tree standing in it.

“I’m feeling much better now, honest!” he said, “The judge is a prat. You can hardly call twelve packets a day excessive! Do you mind if we stop at Sainsburys on the way?”

This reporter is inclined to agree but that is not the sentiment shared by the court, nor by a psychiatric establishment that has recently made the shocking discovery that the widespread predilection for Hobnobs and other confectionery is a hitherto unnoticed mental illness requiring extensive – and expensive – treatment.

Of the Betty Mondeo program, head psychiatrist, Wantme Hedexamind (12), explained:

“The Hobnob Recovery Program involves a controlled wean-down, using chocolate bourbons and then plain digestives to gradually replace the toxic levels of Hobnob in the addict’s blood stream. This is combined with a therapeutic emptying of the loony’s (we never use the stigmatic label “patient”) bank account. The eventual aim is to get the addict onto safe doses of prawn crackers, which as you know are available for free at out-patient centres (commonly known as “Chinese Takeaways”) up and down the county.

 Millions of sensible people and other dissident factions have roundly criticized the “Prawn Cracker Solution” on the grounds that prawn crackers are themselves highly addictive, which is merely replacing one addiction with another.

A spokeperson for the human rights group, APT (Are Psychiatrists Thick?) said, “Prawn cracker addiction brings with it its own set of tragic consequences, not least because the only way an addict can score prawn crackers is by eating large amounts of Chinese takeout meals.”

Dave Press, famous for being the world’s foremost deaf guitarist/singer, cut his musical teeth on traditional blues in the late ‘40s and early ‘50s, partnering such blues legends as Blind Banana Skin and Yodelling Yukon. In the 60s, he hit the big time with the Trotsky Tsars of Minsk, whose hit “Ubil Moego Gnu Kil’ku” (“Pilchards Killed My Gnu”) won the popular Per Ili Snimet’sya” (“Sing or be Shot”) the Iron Curtain equivalent of the Eurovision Song Contest.

He fled to Western Europe in the mid seventies and it was here, in the decadent West, that he was first introduced to the insidious delights of the relatively mild Jammy Dodgers, which many argue should be legalised, progressing quickly to the hard stuff: Penguin Bars, Wagon Wheels and ultimately, the dreaded Hobnob.

Despite this handicap, Press enjoyed a brief career with the British Space Program in the mid 1980s, was popularly known as the “Singing Astronaut” and became the first man to crash-land on the Isle of Wight by space shuttle

His famous brawl with the Dalai Llama (11,503) in 1992 is widely rumoured to have been biscuit-related.

His press office was at pains to point out yesterday that Press’s biscuit addiction and the fact that his real surname is “Biscuits” are purely coincidental.

Dave Press also has the world’s smallest collection of Portuguese spoons.

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Upcoming Gig

Dave has left rehab (see previous post) and taken to the road with the band

Join the Dave Press band as they perform a mixture of funky blues classics, and original material from their new album in the relaxed surroundings of the Prince of Wales.
Dave says: "This is gonna be a wicked gig"

03 June · 20:30 - 23:00
Prince of Wales, 98 Morden Road, Merton, SW19 3BP
Witness greatness as it unfolds
No space aliens admitted

Sunday, 1 May 2011

New Message from Dave:

People -im gonna do a photoshoot next Thursday and I'm looking for some unusual props. We are gonna do a shoot in a cafe at night. I'm looking for all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff ----let me know if you have wild and crazy items the band could use for the shoot. Plus we will need people for the shoot too.

You can contact Dave via his official website or Facebook page

Saturday, 23 April 2011

Message from Dave: The new album is complete. There are a bunch of details still being worked out so watch this space for news. Or visit

Tuesday, 19 April 2011


Dave is live at the Bluebells cafe in East Grinstead 
on the 21st and 28th of April
£5 on the door 
£4 Advanced Bookings

Doors open 8pm

Be there for the usual quality rock and blues from the maestro himself



If you want to hire a quality Rock, Blues and Soul singer,

Dave Press 

is still available for a limited number of bookings

To find out how you can make your reception, concert, music night or party something special,use the email form here and his agent will get back to you promptly